The Emotional Toll

I learned through some difficult times in life that emotions should be validated rather than compared.  Having just "survived" the 5.7 magnitude earthquake that opted to visit Utah during our extended coronavirus school dismissal, it's easy to think things like "I was scared.  And the kids were scared.  But we didn't feel as many aftershocks as our friends closer to the epicenter, so I guess we must be okay."  Nope. We were scared. And that's valid. 

Emotions aren't measured in how many items fell off the walls. Emotions aren't measured in how much work one is required to do while working from home. Emotions aren't measured in which mental health struggles are heaped upon the common experience of coronavirus plus earthquake. Emotions are individual.

The sadness, grief, worry, fear, gratitude, pride, and whatever else this roller coaster has in store for me are mine.  And it is okay for me to acknowledge it. To name it. To stare at it and maybe even wallow in it for a bit before moving on. 

I have a whole pile of emotions - the muck I'm trudging through as I go about my new life as manager of a stay-at-home family. 

• Sadness - over the old buildings that were damaged during the earthquake and of all the local businesses temporarily shuttered
• Grief - over the current loss of my 5-days-a-week gig that involved educating and caring for 21 smallish humans; regret over the lack of closure as the governor announced the closure after I'd already sent the students home for the weekend
• Worry - that when I put Adam on a plane to Georgia today, the rules might change before he flies back on Wednesday
• Fear - that the world will change entirely; that schools will move online and never move back; that businesses I love won't make it through; that some people won't take the precautions seriously and all this sacrifice will be for nothing
• Gratitude - for all the little things that happened at a huge expense to others but were nice for me anyway; that I was home with my kids for the earthquake instead of at school; that Utah has decided to suspend testing this year
• Pride - in humanity; bakeries giving away bread; craft stores giving away craft supplies; the zoo doing online videos with the lions; SO MANY PEOPLE just doing what can be done to make life better for others

No, I wasn't at the epicenter.  No, I haven't lost any pay.  No, we don't stand to lose a business.  No, no one in my house is immunocompromised.  No, we don't suffer from anxiety.  No, we aren't out of toilet paper.  No, life really isn't that bad.

But we still have emotions, and they totally count.